If
you’re over 25 and single, chances are you’ve felt the pressure. Maybe
it’s come from well-meaning parents, overly eager for grandchildren.
Maybe it has come from friends who think that because they’re married,
you should be too.
Maybe you’ve felt pressured by your own insecurities as you have wondered, What’s wrong with me? Is it the way I wear my hair? Am I too fat? Too skinny? Why am I not married yet?
If you’re unmarried and starting to get frantic about it…stop. Take the next few minutes, climb out of the pressure cooker and take an honest look at what a mate can and can’t do for you. By doing so you might well avoid one of the greatest catastrophes life can bring—a bad marriage.
As a pastor I can tell you Christians are being trapped in such marriages all the time. They’re marrying the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. They’re being deceived by marriage myths that have left them disappointed, disillusioned and all too often, divorced.
Child of God, if you ever find yourself thinking like that, warning signals should start flashing in your mind because you’re expecting something from marriage it never can give you. Marriage is not the cure-all for human loneliness. There are many desperately lonely married people who can vouch for that.
You see God created human beings to yearn for two levels of relational intimacy. Granted, one of them is the yearning for an honest and trusting relationship with a friend or marriage partner. But the second one is far greater. It’s the yearning to enter an authentic, growing relationship with God.
We’ve been putting too much emphasis on meeting a mate, believing that mate will fill the hole in our hearts. But they can’t do it. A mate might fill space in our houses, but they can’t fill the hole in our hearts.
In John 10:10 Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Remember this: Only Jesus can give you abundant life. Only He can give you a life so full that it puts loneliness behind you forever. That curly headed cutie who catches your eye can’t do that for you.
So before you plunge into a relationship with expectations that never can be met, plunge into the depths of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Build a solid foundation in Him.
Healthy marriages cannot be built on foundations of brokenness. Spouses cannot heal broken, messed-up hearts. Only Jesus can do that kind of heart surgery.
Therefore if you’re hurting, if you’re plagued with feelings of inferiority and fears of being abandoned, don’t cling to a person. Cling to Jesus. Develop a personal relationship with Him, and you’ll find He is the best companion and lover you could ever have. He’ll never leave you nor forsake you. He’s a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
You don’t need that unemployed, cocaine-using boyfriend who’s been abusing you. You don’t need that girlfriend who criticizes and belittles you. Kick those heartbreakers out of your life and get hooked up to Jesus. He’ll take care of you.
You know what I would say to that? Wake up! An unhappy single equals an unhappy marriage. An angry single equals an angry marriage. A dissatisfied single equals a dissatisfied marriage. Whatever you are when you are single, that’s what you’ll be when you’re married because marriage does not produce life or character transformation. Jesus transforms. The Word of God transforms. But marriage does not. It will not transform you and it will not transform the one you marry. If your boyfriend is a frog before you marry him, he’ll be a frog after you marry him. Saying “I do” won’t turn him into a prince.
Character changes are produced by the inner work of the Holy Spirit independently of one’s marital status. Whether you’re married or single, if changes need to be made within your heart, they will have to be made by meditating on God’s Word, acting on that Word, and being yielded to the Holy Spirit. There is no other way to get the job done.
Yes, when you choose a mate be absolutely sure to obey the instructions God gives in II Corinthians 6:14-15: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?”
In other words, only marry a believer. Unpopular though it sometimes may be among singles, that is a requirement of God. Keep it without compromise
If you’re dating a man who is “kind of saved,” who drinks a little and smokes a little and cusses a little, then get rid of him until he gets delivered from that little bit of stuff he’s been doing. You don’t need to marry into that mess. You wait until he gets “real saved” before you marry him.
Even then don’t rush into anything. Take time to observe that potential mate very carefully. They are not always what they appear to be. Just because they say they’re a Christian, don’t automatically believe it.
The Bible says you’ll know Christians by the fruit they bear. So let that boyfriend or girlfriend bear some fruit first. Then give it time and see if that fruit lasts. Don’t say, “Well he bore fruit last week so we’ll get married the next!”
No, I advise you to give it at least one year. If that boy is still opening doors for you and sending flowers, if he’s still concerned about you and hasn’t pressured you into sexual activity after a year, reel him in because he’s a good catch! If that girl is still talking sweetly to you and treating you with respect after she’s been seeing you a year, set the wedding date, because she’s the one you’ve been praying for God to send.
Finally as Colossians 3:15 says, “let the peace from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts” (The Amplified Bible). Next to making Jesus your Lord, choosing a mate is the most monumental decision you’ll ever make. So don’t do anything unless God’s peace in your heart tells you it’s safe.
Let Him direct you. Never jump ahead of Him. Relax and let God bring that right person to you in His own way. Don’t get in a hurry and make a mistake. After all, “till death do you part” is a long, long time.
Maybe you’ve felt pressured by your own insecurities as you have wondered, What’s wrong with me? Is it the way I wear my hair? Am I too fat? Too skinny? Why am I not married yet?
If you’re unmarried and starting to get frantic about it…stop. Take the next few minutes, climb out of the pressure cooker and take an honest look at what a mate can and can’t do for you. By doing so you might well avoid one of the greatest catastrophes life can bring—a bad marriage.
As a pastor I can tell you Christians are being trapped in such marriages all the time. They’re marrying the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. They’re being deceived by marriage myths that have left them disappointed, disillusioned and all too often, divorced.
Myth #1: The Loneliness Cure
The first myth is the belief that marriage will put an end to loneliness. One single woman deceived by this myth, wrote: “I can’t think of anything I hate more than being alone. Everywhere I turn I see couples. Couples on TV, couples in cars, couples on planes, couples in restaurants, couples in parks, couples...couples...couples. Everywhere there are reminders that I am alone. I wonder if I will ever find a person to fill that hole in my heart.”Child of God, if you ever find yourself thinking like that, warning signals should start flashing in your mind because you’re expecting something from marriage it never can give you. Marriage is not the cure-all for human loneliness. There are many desperately lonely married people who can vouch for that.
You see God created human beings to yearn for two levels of relational intimacy. Granted, one of them is the yearning for an honest and trusting relationship with a friend or marriage partner. But the second one is far greater. It’s the yearning to enter an authentic, growing relationship with God.
We’ve been putting too much emphasis on meeting a mate, believing that mate will fill the hole in our hearts. But they can’t do it. A mate might fill space in our houses, but they can’t fill the hole in our hearts.
Only Jesus can fill our hearts.
It’s fine to date someone, but that person is not the loneliness cure. Jesus is your cure. So the dating relationship should direct both of you—as individuals—to an increasing intimacy in your relationship with God. As He becomes stronger in your lives individually, then you’ll have a completeness you have never before experienced.In John 10:10 Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Remember this: Only Jesus can give you abundant life. Only He can give you a life so full that it puts loneliness behind you forever. That curly headed cutie who catches your eye can’t do that for you.
So before you plunge into a relationship with expectations that never can be met, plunge into the depths of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Build a solid foundation in Him.
Myth #2: The Life Preserver
The second myth many people believe about marriage is that it will heal their broken hearts. A person who is hurting may think, If I can just find a mate, I’ll feel better. If that’s what you think, then think again. A man or woman who is drowning in emotional pain and latches on to marriage as a life preserver is opening the door for disaster. I’ve seen it time and again. One day the life-preserving spouse will stand up and say, “Please just back off and give me some space!” The pain-filled spouse will interpret that request as another round of rejection, neglect or abuse. When they react to that threat, chaos will break out in the marriage.Healthy marriages cannot be built on foundations of brokenness. Spouses cannot heal broken, messed-up hearts. Only Jesus can do that kind of heart surgery.
Therefore if you’re hurting, if you’re plagued with feelings of inferiority and fears of being abandoned, don’t cling to a person. Cling to Jesus. Develop a personal relationship with Him, and you’ll find He is the best companion and lover you could ever have. He’ll never leave you nor forsake you. He’s a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
You don’t need that unemployed, cocaine-using boyfriend who’s been abusing you. You don’t need that girlfriend who criticizes and belittles you. Kick those heartbreakers out of your life and get hooked up to Jesus. He’ll take care of you.
Myth #3: Happily Ever After
The third and perhaps most common myth to beware of is this: Marriage will make me happy. Countless singles fall for that lie. He or she may think, I’m not content now as a single, but if I can get married, I’ll be content. After all, I’ll have my wife, a fireplace and a wonderful life. We’ll get cozy on the couch, listen to Lou Rawls records and live happily ever after.You know what I would say to that? Wake up! An unhappy single equals an unhappy marriage. An angry single equals an angry marriage. A dissatisfied single equals a dissatisfied marriage. Whatever you are when you are single, that’s what you’ll be when you’re married because marriage does not produce life or character transformation. Jesus transforms. The Word of God transforms. But marriage does not. It will not transform you and it will not transform the one you marry. If your boyfriend is a frog before you marry him, he’ll be a frog after you marry him. Saying “I do” won’t turn him into a prince.
Character changes are produced by the inner work of the Holy Spirit independently of one’s marital status. Whether you’re married or single, if changes need to be made within your heart, they will have to be made by meditating on God’s Word, acting on that Word, and being yielded to the Holy Spirit. There is no other way to get the job done.
Take Your Time
“OK, Pastor Dollar, I’m ready,” you say. “I have a solid relationship with Jesus. He’s healed my broken heart. I’m happy, healthy and I want to get married. Do you have any other words of wisdom for me?”Yes, when you choose a mate be absolutely sure to obey the instructions God gives in II Corinthians 6:14-15: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?”
In other words, only marry a believer. Unpopular though it sometimes may be among singles, that is a requirement of God. Keep it without compromise
If you’re dating a man who is “kind of saved,” who drinks a little and smokes a little and cusses a little, then get rid of him until he gets delivered from that little bit of stuff he’s been doing. You don’t need to marry into that mess. You wait until he gets “real saved” before you marry him.
Even then don’t rush into anything. Take time to observe that potential mate very carefully. They are not always what they appear to be. Just because they say they’re a Christian, don’t automatically believe it.
The Bible says you’ll know Christians by the fruit they bear. So let that boyfriend or girlfriend bear some fruit first. Then give it time and see if that fruit lasts. Don’t say, “Well he bore fruit last week so we’ll get married the next!”
No, I advise you to give it at least one year. If that boy is still opening doors for you and sending flowers, if he’s still concerned about you and hasn’t pressured you into sexual activity after a year, reel him in because he’s a good catch! If that girl is still talking sweetly to you and treating you with respect after she’s been seeing you a year, set the wedding date, because she’s the one you’ve been praying for God to send.
Finally as Colossians 3:15 says, “let the peace from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts” (The Amplified Bible). Next to making Jesus your Lord, choosing a mate is the most monumental decision you’ll ever make. So don’t do anything unless God’s peace in your heart tells you it’s safe.
Let Him direct you. Never jump ahead of Him. Relax and let God bring that right person to you in His own way. Don’t get in a hurry and make a mistake. After all, “till death do you part” is a long, long time.
Timely Truth for every Singles.
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